Tag Archives: doubts

Me? Anxious?

As I sat down in my seat on that huge jet that night more than twenty years ago

waves of sickening anxiety rolled over me and clung to body like heavy chains.

This was it. I was on my way to adopt a six month old baby girl from Russia

and I had to go. Yes, I had to. My heart refused to miss this opportunity.

But as I sat there on that plane that had yet to take to the air

anxiety grew and I began to feel overwhelmed.

What if……?

Yes, what if I never even made it there?

Well, at least I’d know that I had tried, I thought.

Well, no I wouldn’t even know but God who knows all would know.

I was certainly willing but fears can all too easily prevent us from moving forward in life.

I glanced back and forth at the crowd people on either side of me and I suddenly felt so alone.

Alone in a crowd of people.

My hands trembled as I fastened my seat belt and reached for something to read.

Anything….

“Fear not, for I am with you.”

Deep within words that had been deeply etched in my mind and heart from childhood

became a life preserver for me to cling to with all my might.

Not alone?

I swallowed the lump in my throat and took a deep breath.

Gradually the mounting waves of anxiety and fear began to ease

And I felt the plane begin to move.

This is it.

What if I fail?

What if I’m not able to adopt her?

A million what if’s peppered my thoughts and once more I heard those penetrating words.

“Fear not, for I am with you.”

With me. Blessed assurance and inner strength for my weak spirit.

I closed my eyes and thought back to times of success.

Times when I thought that surely I would not make it

but I was still alive. Still learning.

Still discovering that it is all about His Strength and not about my weakness.

David before Goliath moments.

Learning to look up and receive His Resurrection Power in place of my fears.

Again and again I remembered His Faithfulness.

A piano solo when all of a sudden I went blank – totally blank with fear

but suddenly my fingers played the right notes and I completed the song and heard the huge applause.

A time in a new school when I felt so alone but suddenly I found a friend.

A test that I thought I had failed only later to learn that I had not only passed but done well.

His Faithfulness breaking through my weakness.

His Peace becoming my shield.

As the plane soared up in the sky that night and I looked down on Washington D.C.

Twinkling lights in the inky blackness

My own light of faith began to grow.

Fears may come but He remains.

Doubts may be there but His Words are stronger.

It would be two weeks until I came home with my little bundle of joy

but the growing bonds of connection with God’s Love and Truth

kept breaking the chains of anxiety and fear whenever they came.

Are you discovering that for yourself?

Let go of your fears, your anxiety and worry

and receive His Peace today. You were not meant to live in fear.

Contact me if I can help you to do this.

 

sunday sky 4sunset 8

Shining Moments

Do you ever wonder how life might have turned out

  if you hadn’t taken a certain step? Sometimes I wonder.

I’ll never  forget how it all began.

“We have so much love in our home

      Well, we just got to share it. Right Mommy?”

“Yes, you’re right…

    and we do.”

I had no idea what was on her mind.

“Yes, so can you get me a sister?”

Gulp.

  Stop. ‘Think before you speak’ moment.

“Honey, I’m sorry to tell you this

     but I’m done. I’m not adopting any more children.

Done. Do you understand?”

“Yes, but……….”

 I can’t remember all her reasonings at 7 but I do remember this.

“Well will you pray about it?”

Ouch.

She got me there.

From the time I first held her in my arms I had taught her about a great God

  Who loved her and had brought me halfway around the world to get her.

I taught her little choruses

        My God is so big

       So strong and so mighty

       There’s nothing my God cannot do.

But adopt again?

Oh my, that wasn’t in my plans at all.

I was done. Right?

All the baby things had been given away.

One child was more than I ever thought I’d be privileged to mother.

Done.

Like not possible.

But that question hit my heart in a way that no other statement could.

“Well, will you?”

I shook my head and gave her a big squeeze.

“Ok, I will pray.”

She hugged me an extra big hug and danced off completely satisfied.

If Mom didn’t get it

   at least God did.

Where do you go when you seek God’s face?

Where do you turn when you absolutely must know His Will?

It was October.

I took off time from work and went to the beach

   where I walked and prayed and listened.

My troubled spirit wrestled with questions.

Single mother. Recently accepted into a Ph.D program.

Never and excess of funds

Me, adopt again?

How foolish was that?!

But God doesn’t always call us to do the sane and sensible thing.

No, that we could do in our own strength.

Sometimes He calls us to step out into faith and do what is more than we could possibly do on our own.

To trust Him, no matter how foolish we might feel.

To place our small hand in His big Hand.

As we drove home from that beach trip almost 11 years ago

   she spoke from the backseat of the car.

“What did God tell you, Mommy?”

I swallowed hard knowing that telling her was my first step.

Oh, my. Over my head and into His Grace.

Surrendered to His Plan for my life.

“Yes, honey.

     I believe there is another little girl

      Somewhere

     Who needs us.”

“Yippee!”

Squeals of laughter. Shouts of joy.

Hold onto the wheel.

I had no idea how rough the ride would be until I finally adopted my second daughter.

But He did

   and in life

   that’s all that really matters. He knows it all.

Every step of the way

  every turn

  every bump

It may not be easy but with God ALL things are possible

  to those who believe. (Mark 9:23)

How grateful I am that I stepped forward in spite of my fears.

Faith looks fear in the face and laughs.

 

Dealing With Doubts

 

Life is filled with difficult places. Tough decisions. Hard calls.

It is then that we often find ourselves tossed back and forth. Grappling with choices.

Overcome by unrelenting fear.

Years ago when I was in the midst of my second adoption I found myself going back and forth with decisions.  My initial choice to adopt a second child came after lots of prayer. But once the ball got rolling, that’s when the challenges grew.

What country? Where? How?

After a failed adoption in UkraineI found myself once more looking into adopting in Russia.

Yes, I said, when asked about a little girl.

Yes, my heart leaped from where I was to where she was.

But then I received more information about her. Health concerns.

Weighed 1 ½ pounds at birth? Why that would be difficult if she had been born her in the states?

What was I getting myself into?

Doubts screamed. Do you know what you are doing?

Foolishness. People shook their heads when they heard.

My heart was big. No doubt about that. But I already was stretched single parenting one child.

As I think back to that time of wrestling I realize how much I would have missed if I had decided quickly to either stop the adoption process or choose another child.

Instead I embraced those doubts for what they were. Doubts. Not reality.

With my heart turned towards God knowing that He would strengthen me to handle whatever problems she had, I walked forward. Knees knocking.

Today at 12, Jenny not only is in perfect health but she blesses us with her sweet ways.

I remember the words of an old preacher “Never doubt in the dark what God has shown you in the light.” (V Raymond Edman)

So true.

Listen to those doubts.

Move forward in faith.